Attachment theory is like the GPS for understanding the emotional bonds that form between children and their caregivers. These bonds significantly influence a child's development and future relationships. While secure attachments pave the way for healthy growth, experiences of neglect can lead to attachment disorders with long-lasting effects.
For adults who have experienced neglect in childhood, the journey towards healing begins with self-awareness and understanding. Recognising that we have experienced neglect allows us to identify what we missed out on — emotional support, validation and consistent care. This awareness is a powerful first step towards becoming whole and happier individuals. Often, neglect can leave us with deep-seated feelings of shame and guilt, stemming from a sense of being invisible or unseen during crucial developmental stages. However, by acknowledging these feelings and understanding their origins, we can break free from the cycle of shame and start living a more bountiful life.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory suggests that children are born with an innate need to form attachments. These early bonds are crucial for survival and psychological development. According to Bowlby, these attachments are a biological necessity, ensuring that infants stay close to their caregivers for safety, comfort and nourishment. Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby's work through her "Strange Situation" study, which identified different attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Children feel safe and understood. They seek comfort from caregivers and are easily soothed.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: Children become extremely distressed when separated from caregivers and are not easily comforted upon their return.
Avoidant Attachment: Children avoid or ignore the caregiver, showing little emotion when the caregiver departs or returns.
Disorganised Attachment: Children may display a range of behaviours that reflect their internal conflict and confusion. These can include freezing or stillness in the presence of the caregiver, sudden shifts between seeking and avoiding contact, or disoriented movements and expressions of fear or distress.
The Role of Neglect in Attachment
Neglect, defined as the failure to meet a child's basic physical and emotional needs, can severely disrupt the formation of healthy attachments. Neglect can be physical (not providing food, shelter or safety), emotional (lack of affection, attention and emotional support), or both.
Effects of Neglect on Attachment and Development
Insecure Attachment Styles: Neglected children often develop insecure attachment styles. For instance, a child experiencing emotional neglect may develop an anxious-ambivalent attachment, constantly seeking approval and reassurance but never feeling secure.
Disorganised Attachment: Severe neglect can lead to disorganised attachment, characterised by a lack of clear attachment behaviour. These children might exhibit a mix of avoidance and resistance, often appearing dazed or apprehensive in the presence of a caregiver.
Emotional and Behavioural Issues: Children with attachment issues due to neglect may struggle with emotional regulation, social interactions and self-esteem. They might display anger, anxiety, depression or difficulty forming healthy relationships in the future.
Cognitive Development: Neglect can also impact cognitive development. The lack of stimulation and interaction can result in delays in language, learning and overall cognitive skills.
Long-Term Consequences: The effects of neglect can persist into adulthood, leading to difficulties in forming and maintaining intimate relationships, trust issues, and potential mental health disorders like anxiety, depression or personality disorders.
Neglect Survivors: The Unsung Heroes
Ruth Cohn, an American psychologist specialising in the trauma of neglect, offers an interesting perspective on "neglect survivors." These individuals, often passionate about animals (sometimes more than humans) and typically vegetarian or vegan, excel in caregiving roles. They know how to take care of others very well, but struggle to receive help themselves.
Children need parents who care for them and provide a secure container for their emotions, allowing them to regulate their nervous systems. Survivors of neglect, lacking this security, often turn to compulsive behaviours to self-soothe:
Overworking or workaholism: A compulsive need to work excessively, often as a way to distract from emotional pain or to seek validation and a sense of worth.
Compulsive eating: This can manifest as overeating or binge eating, often as a way to soothe emotional distress and fill an emotional void.
Compulsive exercise: Excessive or compulsive exercising, such as engaging in endurance sports or rigorous workout routines, to manage stress and anxiety.
Substance abuse: Including alcohol, tobacco, and drug abuse, which are used to numb emotional pain and regulate mood.
Compulsive shopping: Excessive shopping, especially for items not necessarily needed, as a way to temporarily feel good or distract oneself from negative emotions.
Compulsive gambling: Excessive gambling, often driven by the thrill of risk-taking or as an escape from emotional difficulties.
Compulsive internet use: Spending excessive amounts of time online, including social media, gaming, or browsing, which can serve as a distraction from emotional pain and loneliness.
Compulsive sexual behavior: Engaging in risky or excessive sexual activities as a way to seek validation, control, or escape emotional discomfort.
Compulsive cleaning: Obsessive or compulsive cleaning or tidying behaviours, which can provide a sense of control and order in chaotic emotional states.
Compulsive hoarding: Accumulating and holding onto possessions excessively, often as a way to fill emotional voids or manage feelings of insecurity.
Neglect can also lead to attention disorders, making it difficult to focus on tasks like reading a book or even finishing this article. Congratulations if you recognise yourself and are still with me here reading these lines!
Receiving help is particularly difficult for these "unsung heroes" because their suffering is often not visible from the outside. They have trouble recognising their emotional needs and asking for help, not out of refusal, but out of ignorance of how to accept it, which hinders their journey to healing. They often have a somatic response to their repressed emotions, with symptoms such as constant knots in the stomach or a lump in their throat. A somatic body-centred approach is the most effective method to help them reconnect with their bodies and emotions, thereby recreating the sense of security that was missing in their childhood, and recreating a neural pathway to safety. This sense of security will allow them to have a much more fulfilling social life, especially in their intimate relationships, as they will no longer be haunted by the constant fear of abandonment due to neglect.
Healing from Attachment Issues
Seeking guidance is crucial; healing cannot happen in isolation. Drawing from personal experience as a trauma-informed therapist who has walked the path of childhood neglect recovery, I specialise in therapeutic approaches that directly address these vulnerable, neglected parts. These methods support re-parenting and integration, fostering greater wholeness and enabling us to embrace the love we have always deserved.
Understanding neglect empowers us to rewrite our stories, reclaim our self-worth and uncover profound meaning in our life challenges. Explore my integrative somatic hypnotherapy sessions or reach out for an informal chat about how I can support you on your own healing journey.
Recommended Reading on Attachment Theory and Childhood Neglect
Understanding attachment theory and its implications for childhood neglect and developmental trauma is crucial for both professionals and anyone interested in psychology and child development. Here are some recommended books to deepen your knowledge:
"Working with the Developmental Trauma of Childhood Neglect: Using Psychotherapy and Attachment Theory Techniques in Clinical Practice" by Ruth Cohn, MFT - Provides practical guidance for therapists on applying attachment theory techniques to help individuals heal from developmental trauma caused by childhood neglect.
"Attachment" by John Bowlby - A foundational text that outlines Bowlby's attachment theory and its importance in understanding child development.
"Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love" by Robert Karen - Explores how early attachments influence our ability to form and maintain relationships throughout life.
"The Attachment Parenting Book" by William Sears and Martha Sears - Discusses practical strategies for fostering secure attachments between parents and children.
"Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - Explores how attachment styles impact adult relationships and offers insights into forming healthier attachments.
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